You were my Lifeboat. I clung to you, trying to keep afloat.
You pried my fingers away one by one and left me to sink down into the Dark Sea.
Into The Abyss.
I am drowning in my Self.
I am not ready.
I am not ready.
I am not ready.
You MAKE me ready.
You leave me no choice.
Without you, I cannot see my own face.
I am Faceless & Void.
Waiting for the Spirit to begin moving on the surface of the waters in which I drown.
No longer a Daughter.
No longer a Mother.
No longer a Wife.
I have no Name.
Faceless and Nameless I sink into the murky and unknown depths.
I know no Love, no Meaning, no Purpose.
My arms around no one. No arms around me.
I am Freedom.
Begging you to enslave me once again.
There you are, walking down the street or standing amongst a group of strangers. Across the room, your eyes catch the eyes of another. Lightning strikes. You feel it, but you don’t understand what it means. You have just met your Soul Mate. Just a Face In The Crowd, but soon to become everything to you. Life can be so strange.
After many years together, one of you forgets that brief encounter. That life changing encounter. They begin to take you for granted. They no longer feel the sizzle of the lightning that brought you – strangers – into each others’ lives and hearts. That forever connected your Souls together. Now they need their space. They’ve suddenly realized how unhappy they’ve been all these years – an unhappiness you have not noticed. Now you are Separate. Two Soul Mates divided into two incomplete individuals. You realize that this has been slowly happening over the years – no wonder your “partner” feels unhappy. They have lost the connection that you still feel so deeply.
Where is the Fire that melded you together so completely? Where is the Love that bound you? Why were you so blind to the Coming Apart?
You see yourself in the Eyes of your Lover – you are once again, just a Face In The Crowd.
The Silence so Loud – It is Deafening.
In the past, I would often sit down and start a list of new things I was going to start doing and behaviors I was going to change. The list would look something like this:
- Eat healthier
- Exercise more
- Take vitamins
- Quit smoking…
Today, I sat down with the pen and notebook to begin yet another list, having failed to comply with all of the previous plans. Suddenly, it occurred to me that I have been going about this in the wrong way and focusing on the wrong things. My old lists were really all about what I didn’t like about my life and what I wanted to change. Although written in a “positive” format of doing “positive” things, my lists and plans were really all focused on the “negative.”
Therefore, I have created a new list. Maybe my LAST list. I am going to focus on the “positive” this time and, in time, I’m sure that all of the things I wished to accomplish through my previous “life changes” will come about very naturally as a result. I am embracing my life and loving myself instead of trying to change my life and myself. I hope you too will find it thought-provoking and inspirational.
New Life Plan
- Worry about money less.
- Listen to more music.
- Read more books.
- Complain less.
- Smile more.
- Stop criticizing (myself included).
- Stop second-guessing myself.
- Feel and show GRATITUDE.
- Worry less about EVERYTHING.
- Enjoy and appreciate the wonderful Gift of Life.
Here is the report on my weight loss “program”: Today marks the end of month #3 since I’ve started my Paleo Diet plan. I weighed in this morning on my Wii Fit board and have lost another 2.4 pounds since my last weigh-in one month ago. That is a total weight loss of 20.8 pounds in 3 months!
While it’s still good that I’m continuing to lose weight, the amount of weight loss per month has dropped off significantly. I’m not really sure why this is, but am pretty sure that I really need to start adding exercise into my program :( Being a pretty lazy person, this represents bad news for me since I wasn’t planning on adding in any real exercising for a couple of months yet. Oh well! I guess I’m going to have to get away from this desk and start walking, dancing, and/or weight training if I want the better weight loss numbers I was getting in the beginning of my “program.”
That aside, I’m still very pleased that my weight-loss is continuing and that I’m still finding it fairly easy to stay on my Paleo Diet plan.
Originally, I intended this post to be an honest confessional about my failings in life and as a human being. Furthermore, I was going to discuss how even though I can be an absolute, total schmuck to the people in my life who love me, I am always forgiven my failings and continue to receive their love, kindness and companionship. I was even going to make the point that this love and forgiveness is what keeps me going and pushing and trying to become a better person.
But, then, I decided that such matters are way too personal to blog about so I said “Fuck it,” and changed my mind. I guess you’re all going to have do without my honest confessional and sentimental moralizing. Sorry about that – maybe next time.
I weighed-in today after exactly 2 months on the Paleo diet. I have now lost a total of 18.4 pounds since September 15, 2011. Yeah me! Yeah Paleo!
Pretty soon, if the weight loss starts to taper off, I’m going to begin adding some exercise to my program. Probably some walking and/or dancing.
Thanks to everyone for your encouragement!
P.S. – I’m still feeling great too!